Nobody listens to advice given un-solicited; even solicited advice is ignored because it is delivered badly. You can find out how you can give useful advice to your friends, colleagues and relations and try it out with successfully.
Most of you have occasions to advise a friend, colleague or a relation on some matters. How your advising session went on? Answers would definitely vary, but many of you would admit that you could have done better. In this blog post I am drawing my experience as an Adviser for the last two decades to frame you a simple manual of How to give useful advice, so that next time you advise more effectively. I have configured you as the adviser and “asker” as the other party.
1. Why Nobody listens to Advice?Many of us have problems in taking advice from others; there are several reasons for this:
1. Such advice is mostly un-solicited
2. Adviser gives arm-chair opinion where asker does not accept the adviser being a person of having sufficient experience or knowledge
3. The language used is pedagogic or too technical or very complex for the asker to understand
4. The advice is badly delivered and over-shoots the problem faced by the asker
5. Timing and/or the situation are not conducive; mostly the advice given in front of others is ignored by the asker
6. Lack of relationship of trust between asker and the adviser
7. The adviser treats the asker as a and uses a tone of authority that does not go well
8. Bad cosmics: In most cases the asker is in an angry emotional or in depressed mood generating negative and bad cosmics; likewise the adviser shows patronizing attitude or sympathetic feelings making negative cosmics. Often this situation is exacerbated when the adviser finds fault with the asker or criticizes or blames him.
2. The Asker1. Ideally, he must take the initiative to ask for advice from you
2. He must say whether he is calling for an opinion or advice; an opinion is generally, brief to the point and often subjective whereas an advice is a well thought of solution plan based on thinking and reflection and often it is objective
3. He must indicate the time and place suitable for advice and get the consent from you for this arrangement.
3. The Adviser
1. You should never give un-solicited advice, where circumstances warrant you to give such advice, ask him whether you can have a word with him. If he says ‘not this time” just forget it; do not start venting your feelings on him”I told you so, you went and did this”. Sometimes you might try to give advice anonymously, never do this
If he agrees, tell him that you feel for him and whether he wants your opinion or advice. If he asks for your opinion give it in simple language and thank him for the opportunity. If he wants advice, once again ask him whether he is really interested in getting advice from you. This process is known as “discernment”. If he really wants advice then find out the time and place you can do this when both you and he are in good moods to listen and discuss the matter in hand
2. When you are at it, put him in ease; emphasize on the mutual relationship and trust both parties have with each other
3. You have to demonstrate to him that you are a detached person and that you have no vested interest or conflict of interest in handling this assignment
4. You should also adopt a relationship of an adult talking to an adult or an adult talking to a parent; never take the role of adult or parent talking to a child; it is suicidal.4. The Issue at hand
1. As a preamble ask him to tell about the issue at hand; do not interrupt; let him go for some length before you ask a point or two. When he has finished you ask him to clarify issue; generally the time – tested format of “what, when, why, who and how” comes handy. Depending on the situation and the issue at hand, you can tweak it
2. When you feel that you are not the person who can give advice because the issue involves a question of law, medicine or technology then tell him frankly and refer him to a competent person for further advice
3. If you feel that the issue can be dealt with by you then proceed to the nest stage.
5. Listening
1. Summarize the issue and get his confirmation by asking “so you are saying ……” or “do you mean to say……” etc.
2. Now you ask him further queries so that he thinks for himself; at this time you should make him feel comfortable and believe that you are the right person with right knowledge and exposure who can handle this assignment. Generally, at this point he will open up; he will spotlight his own search on aspects that he has neglected so far. More often than not he would come up with a solution himself. Your role is to patiently guide him. This is win-win situation where he gets space to think about something; you get space to reflect upon. In my experience, this moment is too memorable for the asker; often he would tell others what a great adviser he got
3. If he still cannot come up with something for himself, then you need to do more work and proceed to next stage.
6. Empathizing
1. At this stage, you have to ask for his goals, objectives and ideas regarding any solution you can make for him; you should understand his sensitivities and emotions; you will also know his capacity to solve the issue at hand
2. You must watch him carefully; in case it is a tele conference you must notice his tonal voice; in case of video conference or face to face situation watch his body language, facial expression and the nuances of his speech that convey lot about him, his attitudes and his desires
3. You have to collate your experience; recall what you have learnt in similar cases and bring it to weigh on the current issue. This is known as “personalizing”. Care should be taken not to over-do it
4. Once again, it is necessary to put him on ease with re-assuring words; without bragging yourself state your experience and tell him that you can give him a way–out.
7. Suggesting a Solution plan
1. At this point you are going to unveil a solution plan; you can ask him whether it is alright for you to give a detailed one or something brief now so that he can catch up with you for details some other time. In case of latter make a brief and short solution for him in simple language and ask him to think about it. In case he calls for a detailed plan then you go through the entire mile
2. Formulate the solution plan in such manner at any given time it can be reduced into writing
3. The solution plan must have actionable steps with sufficient justifications. You must never give a solution that a reasonable person in the given circumstance will find difficult to implement
4. You can give the solution plan indicating the alternatives (if any), pros and cons of each alternative and the cost and benefit of each alternative
5. Even here you should give him a space so that he can insert his own predilection. For example, if the plan requires purchase of a car give him space to determine the colour, model and make.
6. Never create another problem or head-ache for him in the guise of solving the issue at hand. Often, advisers create additional problems to the askers; consequently advisers are unwanted
7. Never be too candid like “calling the spade a spade”; be very diplomatic about asker or his weaknesses; make him to come out and admit his weaknesses on his own.
8. Implementing a Solution
1. You have to give some ideas as to how he can implement the solution in short, medium and long term perspectives and the snags that arise
2. You should also tell him how he can face-up to these snags
3. It is also better to tell him the time frame for the implementation
4. Now you can ask him if he has got anything to say, or any clarifications to make. All his queries must be handled sincerely.
5. Finally thank him for giving an opportunity of being some use to him and hope for strengthening of the mutual relationship; wish him the best and ask him to keep in touch.
9. Follow-up
Whether he calls you or not you keep in touch with him; say hello and find out how useful your advice has been. Once again thank him and wish him well.
Muthu Ashraff
Cosmic Adviser
Mobile: +94 777 265677
E-mail: cosmicgems@gmail.com
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